Oxymoron Diaries | Light beer

Oxymoron Diaries |Light Beer. I have never been fat in my life. Never. A little above what all the charts say is my ideal weight, but nothing too outrageous. In fact twice when I was pregant I gained 20 pounds and still weighed under 125. Well, this past year was a bit different. And I couldn't figure out why. Then I realized several items of note.

One, my office is now at home and we live in a ranch home. A sprawling ranch, but a one-story just the same. No stairs to work off calories. No stairs when I lug laundry to the utility room. No stairs anywhere.




Two, our beloved dog Belva Dear Holyfield developed a massive infection that antibiotics could not cure and we had to put her to sleep. I walked Belva every morning and every night almost every day we had her, almost 5 years. We have since adopted two goldendoodles who were supposed to be only 40 pounds and have turned into 80 pounds and 65 pounds respectively and are still growing. I don't walk them, they walk me. In fact, just this morning I landed face down in the back yard when Izzy decided to make a run for it while I had her leash in my hand. My knees are currently muddy, my chin is muddy, my pride is muddied for sure. So, as of today, they don't get walked much. Hence, I don't get walked much.

Three, beer. Yes, beer. I have never been a beer drinker. I always drank one of two options - Dewars Scotch with water or Skyy Vodka on the rocks. I don't drink a lot, but when I do, these are my preferences. Then the economy took a tumble and I needed to economize somewhere. My husband is an avid beer drinker, so I thought I'd try that route. I have never liked beer. Never. Well, maybe a cold Corona or a Dos Equis at a Mexican Restaurant. But never ever at any other time would I ever drink beer. Hated the stuff.

Then I discovered ale. Ice cold, creamy, dark ale. So cold it turns into a slushie. And I could have a couple pints for under six bucks usually. So for the past year I have primarily ordered cold ale. Also known as BEER. And now I have what might be described as a beer gut. I woke up one morning and voila ... beer gut.

I'm not making this up.

The funny part is I'm talking to my mom yesterday and she brings up that she has a "thick middle" going on. Now, my mother has always been pretty tiny. Not scrawny, but she is petite and prides herself on her diet and the way she takes care of her body. She's terrific. She's over seventy, swims at the Y, does aerobics, walks like crazy. She's a dynamo. Like I USE to be!

So when she mentioned her thickening middle I blurted out, "Have you been drinking beer?"

She hesitated and said, "LIGHT beer!"

I laughed and said, "Mom, when it comes to beer, it ain't about the calories, it's about what it's made of. Notice how people that drink hard liquor are skinnier than people who drink beer?" I don't know if this is true or not, and I know some of you are gonna yell at me, but hey, just an observation on my part.

I continued, "Hence the term "beer gut". You've never heard of a "vodka gut" or a "scotch gut" or a "wine gut" have you?"

She didn't argue with me, which means she is mulling this over.

So, I am mulling over swearing off beer until I lose some weight.

In fact, I'm back on the Dewar's Diet.